i can't believe my girlfriend's a gangsta'

well... turns out i AM employable.

yep.

i finally got a job a couple of weeks ago and if i weren't so afraid of jinxing myself, i'd go into specifics about how much i'm liking it so far because, seriously, it might very well be the exact job i've been looking for.

but the jinx is real so i'm going to stay away from specifics.

besides, i'd hate to become one of those "happy", "sunny", dare i say "shiny" bloggers who speaks earnestly, using words like "neat," and manages to write mostly in the third-person omniscient narrative (how DO people know what their spouses/children are thinking and feeling?), which, in my home would mean speaking on behalf of ziggy.

or my grandma's ghost.

which actually, yes yes, would be way cooler than what my blog is now.

a taste...

the other day before i left for work, i woke up ziggy from his mid-morning nap and said, "now ziggy, i'll be home by four o'clock. be good while i'm gone." he looked up at me innocently so i patted him on the head, helped him settle down for his late-morning nap and rushed out the door so i wouldn't be late.

ziggy woke up when somebody rang the doorbell. he got up and walked over to the mirror to check himself out while he yelled out, "ghost granny, will you get that?"

"no," ghost granny said, "you get it."

"but you're closer to the door!," ziggy whined.

"well, you're closer to the floor."

ziggy sighed and opened the door, letting in the workmen who had just arrived. ghost granny stared suspiciously as the workmen streamed into the house. she took ziggy aside and said, "you've got a lot of explaining to do and i hope it starts with the words, 'they've got a gun.'"

just then, a couple of men picked up the couch and started taking it out of the house.

"ziggy! what is going on??"

ziggy rolled his eyes and explained, "i agreed to a financial opportunity with no real leverage and zero risk!"

ghost granny nodded and then paused, "...ziggy! what is going on??"

ziggy explained to ghost granny that he'd been contacted by a film crew looking for a location to film the new bell biv devoe music video. they'd promised to be out by 2pm AND they were paying him $5000.

ghost granny was suddenly very much on board.

once transformed, the house looked totally fly, as did bell biv devoe. ghost granny was buggin'! she tried to sneak her way into the video by blending in with the background dancers but even though she had the moves, the director still yelled "cut!" and stared at her scornfully. ghost granny just looked at him and said, "yo. i was just tryin' to get to my room."

i suppose the whole plan would've gone off without a hitch if i hadn't called to let ziggy know that i would be home early.

i'm considerate like that.

ghost granny heard my message and interrupted the video shoot by saying, "okay! that's a wrap, everybody! that's a wrap! you ain't got to go home but you got to get the HECK out of here!" (ghost granny does not curse.)

ziggy trotted up to ghost granny, "what are you doing?"

"kat's coming home early."

"early?"

"early."

"not at four?"

"not at four."

"...okay! that's a wrap, everybody! that's a wrap! you ain't got to go home but you got to get the HECK out of here!" (neither does ziggy)

everything would have been fine. like, in theory. if only at that VERY MOMENT, it hadn't started raining! thus soaking all of the furniture that had been moved outside.

unbelievable, you say? hardly. not when you've got two such incorrigible characters as a fresh, ghost granny and her cohort, the square yet lovable ziggy. "hijinks" just waits around for those two before it even thinks of ensuing.

well, ziggy and ghost granny did the only thing they could do... had a cleaning montage.

ziggy went out and bought a new matching couch with the $5000 he'd just earned, while ghost granny cleaned and also painted the walls where there were scuff marks. at first, ziggy came back with a curiously small love seat. ghost granny looked it over and asked, "when does the rest of it get here?"

ziggy tried to defend it, "if we rearrange the furniture, no one will even notice."

"i think kat will notice when she stands up and it's stuck to her butt!"

that was harsh, ghost granny. that was harsh. it was too cold to go to the gym this week, okay? come on!

miraculously, everything was cleaned and put back in place before i got home. ziggy and ghost granny looked around proudly at the home they'd essentially destroyed and rebuilt. ghost granny turned to ziggy, "i can't believe we pulled it off! how much money do we have left?"

ziggy looked down at his calculator, "according to my calculations... we're in the hole $80. which means you owe me $40."

ghost granny glared.

"...but you can pay me back later."

moments later, i walked in the door happy to see everything so immaculate and serene. ziggy cantered up to me, "hi! i didn't hear you come in!"

ghost granny chimed in, "we were just getting ready to read the bible!"

"wow," i said, "well, that's great! i don't know why but all day long i had this feeling like i was going to come home to a catastrophe. i'm so glad to know i was wrong."

ziggy and ghost granny beamed at me innocently.

i walked into my room, not yet realizing that the wall i'd been leaning against had just been given a fresh coat of paint. ziggy and ghost granny noticed, however, and looked at each other in panic.

"i'll pack the bags," ghost granny said, "ziggy, you drive."

the end

author's note: parts of this story MAY have been borrowed from one of my favorite episodes of "the fresh prince of belair" entitled "the butler did it" which i MAY have found online and watched in the middle of writing this little story.

author's note II: which is why most of the dialogue MAY also be borrowed from that same episode.

author's note III: i know what you're thinking and yes, i actually did borrow the funniest dialogue of the episode.

author's note IV: i am well aware this whole thing was weird.

sometimes you just have to let your brain do stuff like this.

although you don't really have to publish it. you have a point there.

author's note V: my grandma really was fly.