speed friending

i'd like to tell you about something that happened to me during this, the year of our lord two thousand and eleven.

but first, a warning. i am about to get very single on you.

and also very mormon.

i allow myself about one of these posts a year.

i went speed dating a week or so ago.

correction! 30 year old, single mormons can't admit that we need serious help interacting with members of the opposite sex and also we really can't even admit that we're single, so technically i went to something called "speed friending."

it was as awkward as it sounds.

i mean, for the most part it was fine. every time there was a pregnant pause between me and whomever i was supposed to be making small talk with for approximately two minutes, i would just ask the question on the sheet of paper i picked out of a bowl when i walked into the room (because us 30 year old, single mormons cannot even be trusted to our own small talk devices):

"are you a beach, country, or city person?"

can you predict what every person answered on that freezing, foggy, utah day?

i would say that, being the witty conversationalist i am, for the most part i didn't have to fall back on my assigned conversational topic.

but let's review the moments when i did, shall we?

conversation one

guy: (sits down. studies me.) ... so, which one of my friends do you know?

me: what?

guy: you look familiar. so, which one of my friends do you know?

me: i don't even... do you think that i've somehow been following you around, making a list of who your friends are?

guy: ...

me: no seriously, who are you? what is your name?

guy: ...

me: ...

guy: ... do you know my friend jill?
me: (look down at paper) ...are you a beach, country, or city person?

conversation two

girl: you were teaching sunday school a few months ago when my mom was visiting and she decided that you remind her of my sister-in-law.

me: right on.

girl: which i think is kind of weird because my sister-in-law is korean.
me: are you a beach, country, or city person?

conversation three

dude with justin bieber hair: i'm telepathic.

me: that's weird.

bieber: you think that's weird?

me: if you're telepathic then shouldn't you already know i think that's weird?

biebs: you don't believe me?

me: shouldn't you already know that i don't believe you?

the bieb: well, you know [launches into dissertation on the different powers of the x-men]. what x-man would you want to be?

me: i don't know. mystique, i guess. she was pretty cool. shape-shifty. blue.

bieb: oh, really. [launches into recitation of mystique's power limitations according to the comic book series as opposed to the hugh jackman movies]

me: okay then... which x-man would you want to be?

bieb: (smug) professor xavier.

me: so, are you a big comic book guy?

bieb: i don't know. sure.

me: i went to comic-con this last summer and it was pretty awesome.

bieb: (disdain) you went to comic-con?

me: ... are you a beach, country, or city person?

i'm not going to shape this into something where i'm awesome and everyone else is a freak because that would be exhausting and even more pathetic than just admitting that most of the people i dealt with were totally normal. and also, i'm weird(ish) and often awkward.

but i will say that i come home from stuff like this knowing that short of a miracle, i am going to be single forever.

and if you want to feel sorry for me, you can.

and if you feel so sorry for me that it leads you to buy me things, i won't stop you.

you could make me an "i'm sorry you're single" mix cd. that could be awesome.

i always love that scene from "much ado about nothing" where eleanor's family is all, "you need a man" and she's all unapologetically like, "he that is more than a youth is not for me and he that is less than a man i am not for him" and leaves it at that.

of course, she's also secretly in love with benedict which negates my argument.

i shall expect your mix cds shortly!