racist

the other day my boss had me deliver a gift to a senator he'd had a meeting with. that gift was a copy of the qu'ran.

wait. have i mentioned that i work for an iranian billionaire?

but that is not the story.

this is the story.

on this occasion i had the great privilege of meeting a racist black security guard.* and i don't mean "racist" like "he hated white people, " i mean "racist" like after i'd handed him my i.d. and laughed at his comments about my height because haha, good one, i am tall, he looked over to his friend the asian security guard and said, "man! my brain isn't working today! it's like i'm puerto rican."

and the racist black security guard's friend, the asian security guard, laughed.

i looked around for the rabbi and the priest and the lifeboat that i was positive had to be around somewhere.

then, the racist black security guard asked me what i was holding. i said a gift from my boss to the senator. the security guard asked what the book was and i said, "the qu'ran." the security guard asked what that was and i was like, "um... it's like scripture for muslims." then there was a lengthy pause. then the security guard asked me what my boss' name was because maybe he needed to be put on a watch list.

and the racist black security guard's friend, the asian security guard, laughed.

then, i got to the metal detector area and as i took off my coat and dumped out my keys another security guard came up to me and took the qu'ran out of my hands and I KID YOU NOT put it up to his ear and shook it.

"is there anything in this?"

"what?"

"it feels like there's something in this. like a phone. is there a phone in this?"

and that is when my fear of people in uniforms was officially trumped by my brain's idiot alarm.

"well, it's a book and not a high-tech lock box so feel free to flip through it and check for secret phones."

and I KID YOU NOT he did.

if these are the people protecting us from actual terrorists, we're doomed.

*in telling this story and calling the security guards black and asian, did i feel racist? yes. yes i did.

but white people are like that.