insecurities

i think it's ridiculous that i've had the same insecurities for years and years, mostly because they all came from random comments given to me through the years. i guess i just assume that when it's given randomly, it has validity. here, let me give you some examples...

*the year? 1989. the instigator? my mom. what was said? "you should always have bangs because you have a high forehead"
the result: i had bangs until i was a senior in high school in an attempt to cover my freakishly big forehead. then, one day i looked in the mirror and realized that i don't have a big forehead, at all. i don't know what my mom was talking about, and yet, to this day, i still have to have hair in front of my forehead.

*the year? 1995. the instigator? a random boy in my choir class. what was said? "man! you're like a bean pole!! move so i can see!!"
the result: let's get one thing straight, this isn't the first time i'd realized i was tall. it wasn't the first time i'd been embarassed about it. but it is the first time that i felt freakishly tall, or that being tall was a strike against me. and such began my crusade to deemphasize my freakish height, my collection of flip flops, and my issue where i won't date anyone shorter than me (since short boys would definately not want to date a freakishly tall girl).

*the year? 1996. the instigator? many people. what was said? "hehehe... you play basketball like a ballerina."
the result: i stick to all things dance related.

*the year? 1998. the instigator? mr torgerson (my choir teacher). what was said? (during a final concert to the audience) "i like kathryn because she's tall", (during class) "it takes kathryn longer to stand up because she has further to go", "let's have you guys stand with the tallest in the middle to short on both ends. who can guess where kathryn will go? sigh... maybe we should have her stand in back with the boys", "for this part, let's have kathryn stand up, because everyone will be able to see her, and pretend to get shot and collapse onto the baritones."
the result: i won't sing in choirs (granted that's also because i realized that i can't sing), no matter what.

the year? 2000. the instigator? ummm... let's just call her spliz. what was said? a limerick about my nonexistent chest was emailed to all my friends (to prevent a comment war i will add that we were having a limerick contest, splincoln being the judge. guess which limerick won? that's right.)
the result: although this wasn't even close to being the first time i'd been teased because of a lack of cleavage, again it was the first time i felt freakish about it. and i can think of at least one incredibly funny, and yet potentially humiliating experience that happened last summer as an indirect result (that' right spliz!! i blame you!).

the year? 2002. the instigator? he who shall not be named. what was said? "you smell"
the result? just ask my roomates how paranoid i am now with body spray, gum, etc.

the year? 2002. the instigator? the same un-named he. what was said? (grabbing my hips) "check out your love handles. you should start exercising. i don't have any fat anywhere on my body. don't believe me? go a head and grab anywh...OW!! i said grab, not pinch!"
the result: you would think it would result in me doing lots of sit ups, or eating healthy, wouldn't you? but you'd be wrong.

the good part of the story is that for as many random insecurities people give me, there are random compliments that come along... like how my grandmother thinks my eyebrows are perfect, how in 8th grade kate said i reminded her of audrey hepburn, how mandy told me she really liked my nose, how when i was 18 carolyn said she'd never realized how funny i was, how liz, i mean spliz told me i'm striking, how when i was 17 dave had to choose who he thought was the prettiest of all my friends and he chose me (if you saw my friends you whould know the true impact of such a statement), how bryson was obsessed with my stomach, how my dad told me when i was 17 that he didn't understand why i didn't have dozens of boys wanting to date me, how my home ward deacon fan club encouraged me to run for "miss utah", or how my same eyebrow grandmother told me she didn't know what my family would do without me.
so you see, the good far outwieghs the bad.

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