Good... And Good for You

i woke up this morning at 11:40 am. i want you to think about that. you see, i have a cold. something, nine out of ten people find a way to power through. but not i. i am in no way stoic. i find that when i try to be stoic, it ends in a meltdown with collateral damage and aftermath. to prevent the loss of innocent lives, i medicate. hard. and somewhere around 9pm i take a few nyquil and shut it down . it's my version of an induced coma. and it works. but i'll tell you what doesn't work. being wrenched out of a drugged stupor at 2am by a dog vomiting all over my bed. it's traumatizing and horrifying and also there's a 50/50 chance i hallucinated it.

guy sitting behind me: excuse me. me: yes? guy: are you ever compared to any famous singers? me: all the time. guy: really? me: no. guy: oh. well, has anyone ever told you that you look like colby calait? me: heh... actually, ya, once before. guy: i think you look just like her. me: thanks, i think. truthfully, i don't really know who she is or what she looks like. guy: it's a compliment. she's totally beautiful. [girl sitting next to him stiffens] me: wow. i'll take it then. thank you! girl: has anyone ever told you that you look like celine dion? me: ... um... no. girl: interesting. me: ... but you know what, celine dion's kind of awesome. and super thin. so i'm taking that as a compliment. mercy. [exeunt] important update!!: that girl had a point.

the other day i was at the gym, in the middle of my super impressive workout , when a man randomly came up to me and said, "you don't need to be here. the gym is for fat people." classy. i was put-off for obvious reasons but his little statement got under my skin and stayed there (and not just because he follows me around the gym now and watches me lift weights and makes me vow internally to never wear my lynyrd skynyrd t-shirt again, no matter how sweet home i think alabama is). a couple of days later i read this article in time magazine about how exercise makes people hungry so they probably won't lose weight. and then later that day, while i was at the gym, cnn had a feature story about how dieting or trying to eat right makes you gain weight. and here's where the soapbox starts. every girl in america has body issues. and if she's lucky, she grows into an adult who still has body issues but is able to ignore them most of the time. i think i...

today, on craigslist... _________________________ looking for maggie (misilanious) Date: 2010-12-01, 12:58PM MST Reply to: job-bfngn-2089615598@craigslist.org [ Errors when replying to ads? ] looking for maggie you work at lacallie last valintines day this is a job offer i hope you can get this Location: misilanious Compensation: doe This is a part-time job. Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. Please, no phone calls about this job! Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. PostingID: 2089615598 ____________________ i hope maggie gets this too.

if, like the rest of my family, you think it was nice and somewhat selfless of me to drive my grandmother home when she demanded to be taken home after only two hours of thanksgiving-ing, well then, you're a chump. crazy cousin once removed who is sitting at the head of the dinner table watching us all eat while he eats nothing. like, nothing. i'm still not sure why: you know, you can't even really prove that france exists. me, sitting next to him: what? crazy cousin once removed: seriously, how can you prove it exists? me: well, there are maps and pictures of the eiffel tower and i know a bunch of people who have gone there. like carolyn. who's sitting right there. ccor: but we saved their butts during world war 1 and world war 2. me: did "we"? ccor: and now all they do is bitch about us. me: so wouldn't you say their bitching in fact proves that they exist? ccor: [insert obligatory and poorly-crafted rant about 'nam.] me: ... ri...

as of a week ago, the 80 year old cowboy who lives next door to my grandmother and likes to comment on my italian greyhound and my legs (in that order) has decided to take it up a notch by replacing his cowboy hat with a formal, black top hat. i thought you should know.

no, not the band. although, i do believe in a thing called love. and you are more than welcome to listen to the rhythm of my heart. no, i'm talking about daylight savings. every year when i "fall back" into the darkness, a piece of my soul begins to hibernate. and the fact that it began to snow ever so gently the day after the daylight savings, well, that did not help. last monday, i pulled into my driveway after running some errands but before i could get out of my car, the power lines right above me started sparking. you know that electrical current noise? it's not something you want to hear right above your head. i backed my car out of the driveway and parked it across the street. then i sat in my car for five minutes staring at the power lines running up and down my street and i assessed the situation, calling upon my zero years of experience with the power company. i decided everything was okay, woke up ziggy who was asleep in the passenger's seat and crossed...

i wouldn't consider myself an avid reader. i like to read and i usually have a fiction, a nonfiction, and an easy book going at the same time which sounds very impressive when said in a condescending tone and when not followed up with, "but it takes about a year to get through all three and i have to do a lot of rereading to remind myself who the characters are." right now i'm trying desperately to get through a lincoln biography but every time i pick it up i have to skim through the first chapter to remember who all the people are and abraham lincoln hasn't even become a lawyer yet.   i just finished a really lousy anecdotal type book which made me want to write my own anecdotal book of rebuttals. it would be titled, "no, you are wrong" and it would be subtitled "and also you're foolish."   and then i'm still in the middle of the last of the "lord of the rings" trilogy. this has been going on for a while. i love the...

have you guys seen this ad? that's an amazing strategy. i have to ask you, doesn't it remind you of a moment on "30 rock" that i'm sure we all thought was satirical? i have got to get on board this crazy train... dear all you people who disagree with me politically, you could totally send me a message by not voting today. that would really put me in my place. really. yours, kat

i hate election time . it finally occurred to me while reading through this year's voter information pamphlet that mostly i'm disappointed to never see sam seaborn's name on the ballot. tangent!: i'm so on board with "west wing" that it worries me. i'm afraid it somehow cancels out all my hard-hearted railings against frank capra movies. tangent!: also, jefferson smith is never on the ballot. (sometimes my tangents go full circle.) real life politics are all about choosing the lesser of two boredoms and what is the constitution party anyway? does it also have a elephant/donkey mascot? if not, i'd like to assign it one. i'm assuming the party members are obsessed with the framers so they'd either want the eagle, the dove, or the turkey. i'm going to suggest a combination. i give you... the dorkle i don't photoshop very often. can you tell? i LOVE halloween. i will announce this every year as though it were news and i will announce it...

NooOOoooOOooo!

remember that one week where i blogged every day and i was really proud of myself because finally FINALLY the world was privy to all the fascinating things i had to say? good times. then everything got busy again "busy" probably isn't the right word but it will have to do . i really wish i was the kind of person who can take stress and nervous energy and turn it into something motivating. something which, if turned into a cinematic montage, would involve scenes of me working and looking very serious. like, maybe i would take off my glasses and stare at my computer screen and then nod with approval at my own awesomeness and then it would switch to me running some sort of errand in an outfit drastically outside of any real person's price range but everyone would look past that fact, and then it would cut to me doing sit ups, and then to me at an interview shaking hands and being generally impressive and of course this entire thing would be backed up vocally by the incom...

this year i got my gardening under control rather early and easily which meant i could turn my attention to... the birds. i bought a bird feeder and a bag of bird seed and i found the perfect little area in my yard and i began to nurture the neighborhood birds.  it quickly got out of control. i'm now nurturing a large, assorted flock of very fat birds that go through a 20 pound bag of bird seed every two weeks.  midsummer, these fat birds learned a very harsh life lesson about complacency when the neighborhood cats found out about my yard. the flock became smaller and i felt accountable. for i was the one who let the birds get fat and complacent. i was the one who shielded them from the world so they weren't prepared to face its dangers.  have you ever had the weight of dead quail babies on your soul?? i have tried to explain to the cats that my backyard isn't their personal hunting ground, but they don't listen to reason. every few days i'll hear the birds squawk...

i had to take my car to the mechanic's the other day and since i don't live too far away, i walked home after i dropped it off. i forced ziggy to come with me for a few reasons: first, walking a dog is fun. it's relaxing. it's norman rockwell and apple pie. second, after any walk that lasts more than 10 minutes, ziggy passes out for the rest of the day and i can go about my business in peace. third, i realized early in our relationship that ziggy is the ultimate "canine" protection. do you know what's better than a dog that will attack a sketchy person? a dog that charms sketchy people into protecting you. i'm not kidding. it's the old cliche "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." there is no context in which ziggy or i can beat anybody. so ziggy joins them and takes me with him. it is uncanny.  my 14 block walk up main street, detailed: the first 2 1/2 blocks, ziggy and i were escorted by a man who i will not formally classify as...

one of my favorite shows of all time is "newsradio." i quote it a lot and since most people haven't really watched it, they think i'm funny. there's this one episode where the incompetent matthew earns the chance to go to the new hampshire primaries but of course he ends up not wanting to go to new hampshire and when asked why not he says, "um, ya... i have cats." i am matthew. partly because i'm incompetent. mostly because i had a couple of "i have cats" conversations this weekend. one of my favorite people was visiting this weekend and during dinner he asked if i was still yearning to move to arizona,  land of warmth and sunshine and no winter inversions.  and also no daylight savings. i had a very weird, matthewesque reaction to his very natural question where i was like, "um, ya, i have cats." and okay, i don't have cats but i have family, and friends, and neighbors, and a place to live, and stuff to do, and a ziggy. i do...

i was watching an episode of "northern exposure" last night and i think i kind of resemble a moose. i'm just saying. do you ever play that game where you decide what animal people look like? i do- usually when i'm watching tv or really bored at church- but here's some advice... don't share your opinions because there is only one animal comparison people will be flattered by and that is the chipmunk. or maybe a bunny. i wish i had more to say.

during the last 37 years of blogging, i've talked a lot about my grandma (mom's mom) whom i lived with and also my grandfather (dad's dad) who kind of didn't like me, but i don't think i've ever talked about my other grandmother (dad's mom). so let's get into it. my grandmother is a sweet, funny woman who talks exactly like judy holliday in "born yesterday." she grew up in the bronx with her brother, mother and cab driving, cuban stepfather. during ww2 she joined the w.a.c.s and that is when she met and married my grandfather. someday i'll put a clip on here of my grandfather telling the story of their first date. spoiler!: it involves my grandmother almost falling out of the airplane my grandfather was flying. top that. anyways, my grandmother and i had lunch together today (and by that i mean that i was visiting my grandmother when the "meals on wheels" lady made her delivery and gave me one of the extra meals she had (have y...

i'm jinxing myself when i say this, but my unemployment has yet to feel like anything other than a vacation which, frankly, is not the best mentality to have as far as, you know, getting stuff done.  as of tonight the hardest thing, really, has been adapting my small talk because i had one of the most fun sounding jobs on the planet. it made small talk much, much easier because if (when) the conversation lagged i could shout out " i work at a chocolate factory!! " and then the people would oooh and aaah and then i'd toss my hair and say, "ya... it's not a big deal." my people skills are suspect. anyways, i was thinking about it and i would say that 95% of the time my job-related small talk followed a very nice, safe, formulaic pattern, meaning we either talked about oompa loompas, or how contextually thin i am best conversation topic ever! . which reminds me of a story which, sadly, is not about one of those conversations. nope. this is the story about t...

my birthday is tomorrow and the prospect of turning 29 is bringing out my crazy. it has nothing to do with getting older (seriously, bring on my thirties. bring it!). i just can't seem to shake the thought that this is the last year of my twenties (in my head, vincent price is saying it) and it's making me think. and you know what happens when girls like me start thinking... additionally, i'm right in the middle of an overwhelmingly busy few weeks. i put in my two weeks notice at work last week and somewhere around wednesday, the endorphin high wore off and now there's just panic. and darkness. and really well-intentioned psychological monkey torture from all fronts. it's great. so, i have this mondo to-do list that has somehow morphed into a to-do loop. it's like the wyld stallyn paradox... my to-do loop usually starts with me looking for a mac os x upgrade and gradually spirals into loopy madness. about 10 minutes later the only thing my brain can do to escap...

this is ziggy... i have this theory. that ziggy... is a dog. i've been basing my whole relationship with ziggy off of this canine assumption. i take him on walks, feed him dog food, put him in dog training class so that after 6 months of class i can go through this process... "sit, ziggy." "ziggy. hey. ziggy." "sit." "no. ziggy. i said, 'sit.' are you listening to me?" " sigh... fine." "stand there... good boy." as i was saying, i've been assuming for the last few years that ziggy's a dog but a neighborhood tomcat has openly decided to challenge my ruling. i don't have a picture of the cat but he is huge and beautiful and in love with ziggy. i know it's love because of the late night "mreeeooooowwww"ing outside the window and the gifts left on our doorstep (dead mouse, dead sparrow) and the general always aroundyness of the tomcat. there is something very real going on and i don't kn...

this post is dedicated to all the "of all"s i have swarming through my head on a daily/nightly/not-really-nightly basis. the first of all is, did you guys watch "community" this season? because it is hilarious. by far my favorite new show because it involves "ghosting," wanting to "can't be me love" a.k.a. "love don't cost a thing" a person, a paintball apocalypse, and an argument that ended with the line, "for the record, there was an episode of 'happy days' where a guy literally jumped over a shark! and it was the best one!" i want to marry chevy chase, hang out on the "community" set, befriend the guy who plays "abed" and force him to always be in character and answer to the name abed. it is a four-step plan. a weird, bordering on psychotic, four-step plan. second of all, it is impossible to debate a political issue with someone whose main rebuttal is, "well, i don't believe tha...

i haven't posted for a good, long while. i doubt you've noticed but, believe me, i have. actually, i have many, many half-written blogs in the docket but i haven't been able to get one to the point where i'm okay sending it out into the unforgiving internet maw. mostly because everything i write seems to quickly degenerate into a rant. i'm not quite sure who i'm ranting to but i am great at it. one of my secret/not-so-secret dreams is to steal andy rooney's job (another one of my secret dreams is to be one of the voice over people for kung fu movies (have you seen "drunken master"?) ) and i'm proud to say that i am exactly one bushy pair of eyebrows away from living that dream. today i'll try to de-brow for a sec and talk about friendship and i have high hopes of finishing my thought because both my hotmail and facebook accounts were hacked over the weekend (by the way, i am not in wales, united kingdom. also, i was not attacked and ri...

a couple of months ago i decided to give up diet coke. there are many reasons to give up caffeinated soda, some of them good and some of them stupid. things that are NOT helping me to give up the diet coke: 1. other beverages 2. my computer screen 3. the spice girls song playing on the radio 4. florescent lights 5. halogen lights 6. the sun 7. ibuprofin 8. chocolate 9. people on the freeway 10. people in my office 11. people 12. your face things that ARE in fact helping me to give up the diet coke: ... the end.

um... ya. that pretty much covers it.

dear "all the unanswered emails in my hotmail/yahoo/gmail inbox", i am very please see footnote 1 busy footnote 2 and important footnote 3 . love, kat. footnote 1. please read: "kind of" footnote 2. please read: "bored" 5 footnote 3. please read: "defeated" 4 4. and i'll tell you why 7 . my job is a nightmare 6 . 5. no surprise there, though. am i right 36 ? 6. no surprise there, though. am i right 17 ? 7. earlier this week, my boss came into my office for one of our bi-annualish awkward dtwr 21 's which is mostly a battle against passive aggression where i get quizzed about why our website isn't up yet 8 , asked what singles ward i'm going to and if i'm dating anyone, and if i feel i should be doing more for the company and then after 45 minutes the conversation veers suddenly to me being asked if i want to start selling products and having my own accounts 9 and i die of flabbergastation 50 . 8. and a...

i'm lousy when it comes to history. the memorizing of fascinating dates and interesting places... this is not in my arsenal, but i tell myself it's okay because when it comes to the people and places i personally deal with, my memory is extremely reliable. in fact, when it comes to matching up names and faces, i'm pretty awesome. because my memory really likes faces. so last week, when i ran into someone who looked vaguely familiar and seemed to recognize me, i wasn't surprised when my memory told me his name. i was surprised when my memory then took off. as in, left the building. locking the door behind it. laughing maniacally and leaving me to fend for myself in this cold, cruel world. i then had a five minute conversation with a person who seemed genuinely upset that i didn't remember him. upset and content to watch me squirm. it went just about as badly as a conversation could go and this mystery man cut me no slack. when he finally walked away, i crumpled down...